I posted something earlier trying to fight what I honestly feel. Just now I decided to screw it. So this is it. No buttery words. Just my shameless confession:
I still care.
And I keep on denying it to myself that I don’t. I repeatedly convince myself that I feel nothing. I keep on holding on to that picture of me crying just to turn things around. But I’m tired of beating myself up every time I give in. I hate that I still care. I just want to tell myself that it’s okay to still have feelings for him.
No matter how hard I push myself to liking a few guys around, nobody seems to measure up. That one guy, is always ahead of being around me. How he’s always put up with me misbehaving and how I can be always be myself around him… That sort of stuff.
It gets exhausting to play-fake exasperation. I hate pretending that I hate him. And I hate it when I can’t tell him that.
But if I show it, I’m just afraid of what he will see. Nevertheless, I can’t let him know that all this sunshine-happy face without him is a mask of how I really feel…
That I would’ve always wanted him around.